The silent scars - The lasting impact of domestic violence on children

When I first began this series on intimate partner violence (IPV), I did not originally plan to include its impact on children. However, as the discussions unfolded, it became clear that excluding this would be a glaring omission. Children are not just witnesses in abusive households—they are deeply affected by the violence they experience or observe. Many women stay in abusive relationships for the sake of their children, hoping to protect them, but in reality, they may be exposing their children to emotional and psychological harm.

In previous posts, we explored various forms of abuse, such as financial control, emotional manipulation, coercive control, and physical violence. Today, we shift focus to a critical but often overlooked aspect: the lasting impact of IPV on children. Whether children are direct victims or witnesses, the effects on their development, behaviour, and understanding of relationships can be profound and long-lasting.

All forms of violence—financial, emotional, or physical—deeply affect children. When a father spends family money on alcohol or other women, children are deprived of basic needs such as food, education, and healthcare. Verbal and emotional abuse can also cause serious psychological harm, even when it is not directed at the children. Children, due to their young age, are more vulnerable and less able to process these challenges. I would like to thank the many readers have shared examples of how children suffer in such environments.

How does domestic violence harm children?

Children in abusive homes do not just witness violence—they live with it, and it leaves deep emotional and physical scars. When mothers shared their stories, the pain was palpable, especially when recounting the impact on their children.

Emotional and psychological harm Children who grow up witnessing domestic violence often feel confused and terrified. One mother recalled how her child would hide in the corner of the room whenever violence erupted, clinging to the hope that it would end. These children develop anxiety, depression, and behavioural issues. Over time, they may lose their sense of trust in adults, including the very people who are supposed to protect them. Another mother shared how her daughter, now a teenager, has struggled with forming relationships, haunted by the abusive home she grew up in.

Physical harm In abusive households, the violence does not always stop at the spouse. One mother painfully remembered the day her husband lashed out, hitting both her and her son when she tried to shield the boy. Other stories involved children being locked in rooms as punishment when the father was angry with their mother—left without food, in fear, and feeling abandoned.

Deprivation of basic needs For many children, domestic violence means not just fear but a life of deprivation. A mother spoke about how her husband used financial control as a weapon, refusing to provide for their children. “When he was angry,” she recalled, “he would take away the food or the money, leaving us to starve for days.” This left the children not only hungry but humiliated, unsure why their father punished them for something that was not their fault.

Instability and homelessness Several women shared the trauma of being left homeless after escaping violent relationships. Without financial support, they had to rely on shelters or move in with relatives, uprooting their children from the only home they knew. One mother recounted how her children, once secure in their home, had to sleep on mattresses in the living room of a relative’s house, feeling ashamed and displaced.

Manipulation and mistrust Some children are used as pawns in their parents’ abusive dynamics. One mother shared how her husband would take the children to his other partner, where they were mistreated. The children returned confused and upset, unsure of where they belonged. “He used them to punish me,” she said, her voice breaking. “They did not know who to trust.”

Impact on relationships and future behaviour

Growing up in a home where love is interwoven with violence leaves children with a deeply distorted view of relationships. As one mother shared, her teenage son, after years of witnessing abuse, began showing troubling signs of aggression. “He is angry all the time, just like his father was,” she said with visible pain. This echoes a common fear among many parents—that their children, having been exposed to abuse as part of everyday life, may unknowingly carry forward the trauma into their own future relationships.

For daughters, the impact can be equally profound. Several mothers have shared how their daughters shy away from marriage, having seen their own mothers endure years of violence. In more extreme cases, some daughters adopt what they feel is a protective mindset, deciding to "punish" men as a way of avenging their mothers’ suffering. One heartbroken mother revealed that her daughter has chosen to be in multiple relationships, using the men involved without any intention of forming emotional bonds. Others have shared stories of their daughters consciously deciding to become single mothers, unwilling to place their own children in situations that could mirror their childhood experiences.

This generational impact demonstrates the far-reaching consequences of intimate partner violence, with children growing up feeling that love is inseparable from pain, leaving them confused, mistrustful, and vulnerable in their future relationships. These scars do not fade easily and can shape the way they engage with romantic and familial bonds long into adulthood.

Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

This is a question that often elicits a range of assumptions, but it is important to look beyond the surface to understand the real reasons. Some women claim to stay in abusive relationships for their children’s sake, but is that the whole truth? Let us dig deeper into the societal and personal dynamics that trap women in abusive situations:

1. Financial dependence: Many women, especially those in traditional gender roles, stay because they are financially dependent on their partners. Without financial independence, leaving could mean walking away with nothing. Alimony and child support are common tools of manipulation used by abusive partners, making it even harder for women to leave.

2. Cultural stigma: The pressure to remain a wife and mother is deeply rooted in cultural expectations. For many women, especially in more conservative societies, the idea of being unmarried or divorced—especially with children—comes with immense stigma. Society often equates a woman’s worth with her ability to fulfill these roles, making the prospect of leaving an abusive marriage terrifying.

3. Fear of losing children: Child custody often becomes a power game in abusive relationships, with men frequently holding the upper hand. The fear of losing access to their children or not being able to provide for them independently compels many women to stay, even at the cost of their own safety and well-being.

While many women cite their children as the reason they stay, it is crucial to challenge the idea that staying in an abusive relationship is truly in the child’s best interest. Subjecting children to prolonged abuse, whether direct or witnessed, only perpetuates the cycle of trauma and violence.

Should intervention focus on breaking or preventing the cycle?

Early intervention is important, but should we not be focusing more on prevention? By preventing abuse from becoming the norm, particularly through the support of mothers and family education, we can stop the cycle from starting in the first place. Mothers play a pivotal role in this process—by equipping them with the tools, support, and courage to leave toxic relationships, we can create healthier environments for their children and for future generations. We must stop subjecting helpless children to environments of fear and abuse. Prevention must be the ultimate goal.

This shift starts with empowering women to believe they deserve more and ensuring they have the financial, emotional, and societal support to walk away from abuse. Early intervention helps break the cycle, but it is even more crucial to prevent it from taking hold in the first place.

Frequently asked questions about the impact of IPV on children

1. What signs should I look for if I suspect my child is affected by IPV? 

   Children who experience or witness IPV may exhibit signs like anxiety, withdrawal, aggression, or heightened fear. Additionally, they may have academic struggles or difficulty forming friendships.

2. Can children recover from the trauma of witnessing IPV?  

   Yes, with early intervention, such as counselling and support from a safe environment, children can begin to process their trauma and build healthier coping mechanisms for the future.

3. Do all children exposed to IPV become abusers? 

   Not all children exposed to IPV become abusers, but the risk is elevated if the cycle of violence is not interrupted. Education and support can break this pattern.

4. How can I support a child who has witnessed IPV? 

   Creating a stable, secure environment and providing access to professional support like counselling is key. Be open to their emotional needs, offer reassurance, and let them know they are loved and safe.

   
   

5. Is staying in an abusive relationship ever better for the children? 

   No, staying in an abusive relationship often subjects children to long-term trauma. It is generally healthier for both the children and the mother to leave the abusive environment.

6. Does exposure to IPV affect a child's ability to trust?  

   Yes, exposure to IPV can make it difficult for children to trust others, which can impair their ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

   
   

7. Are boys who witness IPV more likely to become abusers? 

   Boys who grow up witnessing abuse are at a higher risk of becoming abusers, but with proper education and support, this cycle can be broken.

   
   

8. What mental health issues do children exposed to IPV face? 

   Children exposed to IPV are at greater risk for anxiety, depression, PTSD, and behavioural disorders, which can affect them into adulthood.

   
   

9. How can I teach my children about healthy relationships? 

   Begin by modelling healthy behaviours in your own relationships and teaching your children about respect, boundaries, and communication.

   
   

10. What resources are available for children affected by IPV? 

    Numerous services, including counselling, child advocacy groups, and community organisations, are available to help children. Early intervention is key to their recovery.

Concluding reflections

At NITE TANZARN IntellectNest, we believe in the power of education and support to break the cycle of intimate partner violence and its impact on children. Every child deserves to grow up in a safe and nurturing environment, free from fear and emotional trauma. It is our collective responsibility to address these issues with empathy, understanding, and decisive action. Let us continue working towards creating a world where children can thrive, and the wounds of domestic violence are healed through love, support, and intervention.