In our ongoing series on the progressive nature of abuse in relationships, we have explored various forms of violence, including economic violence and financial manipulation. We have discussed how verbal abuse often serves as the first indicator of deeper relational issues. Today, we examine how verbal abuse, frequently dismissed as mere words, can evolve into emotional manipulation.
When I first set out to write about intimate partner violence (IPV), the sheer volume of information quickly grew to over 30,000 words. Attempts to summarise resulted in losing key points, leading me to present this material as a series. The challenge with this approach is that the different types of IPV are deeply interrelated. They build on each other, can cause or result from one another, and often manifest simultaneously. While each topic is discussed individually, it is essential to recognise their close interconnection.
In a previous post, we discussed how Nancy's partner, Thomas, used sensitive information about her family to undermine her during conflicts—a clear progression from verbal attacks to emotional manipulation. Nancy's experience brings to mind advice my mother once gave me: while honesty is important, one should be cautious about sharing delicate information with a partner. She warned that in moments of conflict, such information could be used against you—to ridicule, control, or demean. For instance, a partner might say, "You mentioned your brother is a drunkard; no wonder you have no control over your drinking," or "Your father had many wives, so it is not surprising that you are unfaithful."
What is emotional manipulation in relationships?
Emotional manipulation in intimate partner relationships is a subtle yet powerful form of control. It often begins with verbal abuse, where one partner uses words to demean, belittle, or intimidate the other. This verbal abuse lays the foundation for emotional manipulation, creating an environment where the victim feels vulnerable and unsure of themselves.
Emotional manipulation involves tactics specifically designed to target a person's emotions to control or influence their behaviour. The manipulator exploits feelings such as guilt, fear, love, or insecurity to achieve their own ends. For example, they might employ guilt-tripping to make their partner feel responsible for their happiness or use the silent treatment to punish and exert control.
These manipulative tactics can severely damage the victim's self-esteem and sense of autonomy, leading them to become increasingly dependent on the abuser. Over time, the victim may begin to doubt their own emotions and perceptions, further entrenching the abuser's control.
Recognising emotional manipulation is essential for breaking free from its harmful effects. If you or someone you know is experiencing these tactics, it is important to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professional services.
How guilt-tripping is used in relationships to control partners
Guilt-tripping is a powerful tool in the hands of an abusive partner, used to manipulate someone into doing something they would not otherwise choose to do. Consider the scenario where an abusive partner says, “I cannot believe you have refused to support my business. It was your decision to move abroad for work that caused me to lose my job. I was always late for work, and I had to leave the office early to drop off and pick up the children from school. The least you could do is help me out financially. If you truly cared about our future and had any faith in me, you would invest in this. But as usual, you are just being selfish and only thinking about yourself.”
This accusation weighs heavily on the victim, who has already invested in the abuser’s business ventures multiple times, all of which ended in failure. Despite the victim's past efforts, the abuser continually blamed the failures on them, saying, “You sent the money late,” or, “The amount you sent was too little, and the instalments were meaningless.”
By framing the victim's hesitation as a lack of support and selfishness, the abuser shifts the blame for their own failures onto the victim, making them feel guilty and responsible. This manipulation coerces the victim into providing financial support again, even though they have every reason to believe that this latest venture will also fail. The abuser’s strategy is clear: to make the victim feel accountable for the abuser's success or failure, pressuring them into making financial commitments they would otherwise avoid.
How gaslighting erodes trust in relationships
Laetitia's husband, Jay, developed a habit of checking her phone messages with unsettling frequency. Every morning, after Laetitia returned from dropping their son at school, Jay would greet her with the same chilling accusation: “Your boyfriend called again this morning.” Laetitia was certain she did not have a boyfriend, but Jay’s insistence was relentless. He even showed her phone records, highlighting a mysterious number that appeared at the same time each morning.
Despite her initial confidence in her own truth, Jay’s persistence began to chip away at Laetitia's certainty. “Maybe someone did call, and I just do not remember,” she started to think, as seeds of doubt took root.
Jay, a skilled technologist, then escalated his manipulation. He began showing Laetitia fabricated messages, allegedly from various boyfriends, saying, “Look at these texts. How can you deny it?” The messages were vivid, filled with details that felt foreign to Laetitia, yet the evidence seemed irrefutable. Jay’s accusations grew more intense, and despite knowing deep down that she had been faithful, Laetitia found herself increasingly questioning her own reality.
The constant barrage of accusations and fabricated evidence left Laetitia feeling confused, disoriented, and unsure of what was true and what was not. Her once-clear sense of self was clouded by Jay’s manipulative tactics, as he used gaslighting to erode her confidence and control her perception of reality.
This example illustrates how gaslighting in intimate partner violence (IPV) can deeply undermine a person’s sense of reality. Jay’s deliberate use of fabricated evidence and persistent accusations gradually caused Laetitia to doubt her own memories and perceptions, making her feel dependent on his version of events.
Is your partner always playing the victim? Understanding the tactic in relationships
Tinca constantly abuses Fafa over the smallest things, calling her names and belittling her at every opportunity. When Fafa finally musters the courage to stand up for herself, telling Tinca that his behaviour is unacceptable, Tinca immediately turns the situation around. He responds, “You with your filthy mouth, everything that comes out of your mouth is dirty. You never speak to me with any respect. How dare you accuse me of anything when you are the one who is always rude and disrespectful?”
By framing himself as the victim, Tinca deflects attention from his abusive behaviour and places the blame on Fafa, accusing her of being the one at fault. His tactic is to make Fafa feel guilty for speaking up, suggesting that she is the problem rather than addressing his own actions. This manipulation is designed to undermine Fafa’s confidence and keep her from challenging his abuse, ensuring that she remains in a position of submission.
Is love-bombing a red flag in your relationship?
At the beginning of their relationship, Alex overwhelms Emma with excessive affection and attention. He constantly tells her, “I am so grateful to have married my soulmate. You mean everything to me. I cannot do anything without you. You complete me in ways I never imagined. My life would be empty without you. You are the most extraordinary person I have ever known, and I want to spend every moment with you.”
Alex frequently surprises Emma with lavish gifts, romantic getaways, and grand gestures of love. He bombards her with messages throughout the day, saying, “I miss you so much. I cannot wait to see you again. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He also speaks of their future together, saying, “I cannot wait to grow old with you and start a family. Our love is unique and special.”
Alex uses love-bombing to create an intense emotional bond with Emma, making her feel deeply valued and cherished. While this behaviour may appear loving and positive at first, it is often a tactic employed by abusers to rapidly gain control and foster dependency in the relationship. Once the victim is emotionally invested, the abuser may begin to reveal their true nature, resorting to manipulation, control, and other abusive behaviours.
How flattery and charm mask manipulation in relationships
In cases of emotional manipulation, flattery and charm are often used by an abusive partner to maintain control and avoid taking responsibility. Unlike love-bombing, which is typically employed at the beginning of a relationship to quickly gain control, flattery and charm are ongoing tactics that keep the victim in a state of compliance, making them more susceptible to manipulation.
For instance, Alexis consistently avoids taking on their fair share of housework and financial responsibilities, leaving Jordan to manage the majority of these duties. Alexis often says, "You are incredible at keeping the house spotless and making sure everything runs smoothly. I do not know how you manage it all. You are just so much better at these things than I am. I am so fortunate to have you."
Through this constant praise, Alexis charms Jordan into believing that this unequal distribution of responsibilities is acceptable, even a sign of love. Jordan feels flattered and appreciated for their hard work, which can make them more willing to continue shouldering the burden. This flattery effectively masks the imbalance and diverts attention away from the unfair division of labour.
Moreover, Alexis leaves all financial responsibilities to Jordan, subtly suggesting that this arrangement reflects Jordan’s capability and devotion. Alexis might say, "You handle our finances so well; I could never manage without you. It shows how much I trust and depend on you."
In this way, Alexis manipulates Jordan into believing that taking on the financial and household duties is a way of demonstrating love and commitment. The constant charm and flattery prevent Jordan from recognising the manipulation at play, allowing Alexis to avoid accountability and maintain control over the relationship. This ongoing emotional manipulation ensures that Jordan remains unaware of the abusive dynamics, turning a "blind eye" to the exploitation and control.
Is silent treatment harming your relationship?
Silent treatment is a powerful tool of control in intimate partner violence (IPV). By refusing to engage, the abuser manipulates the victim into feeling isolated, anxious, and desperate for any form of acknowledgement. It is a tactic designed to undermine the victim's self-worth and coerce them into compliance.
After any disagreement or whenever Bina does something Kim disapproves of, Kim responds by completely ignoring Bina for days. Kim refuses to speak or even acknowledge Bina’s presence. This issue worsened during the COVID-19 lockdown when both Bina and Kim were forced to stay at home for an extended period. With their children away and the household staff also absent, they were left alone together in the house. Imagine living with someone who acts as if you do not exist, offering no response, not even a grunt—nothing at all.
The situation became even more unbearable when a power blackout left Bina unable to contact friends, family, or their children. Isolated and ignored, Bina sank into depression. Kim's silent treatment was a deliberate withdrawal of communication, intended to punish Bina and force Bina to apologise or alter her behaviour to regain his attention.
What are the impacts of emotional manipulation in relationships?
Emotional manipulation in IPV has profound and far-reaching effects on the victim. These impacts include:
Erosion of self-confidence and personal autonomy
Increased sense of responsibility for the abuser's well-being and actions
Confusion about reality and personal experiences, leading to a loss of trust in one's own memory and judgement
Heightened feelings of shame, inadequacy, and emotional instability
Manipulation into taking on unfair responsibilities or accepting abusive behaviour as normal
Distorted perception of who is at fault, reinforcing the abuser's control
Rapid emotional attachment and dependency, making it difficult to recognise and accept abusive behaviour
Overlooked or dismissed imbalances in the relationship due to flattery and charm
Isolation, feelings of loneliness, and heightened anxiety, especially when subjected to the silent treatment
Desperation for communication, acknowledgement, and validation, leading to diminished self-esteem and self-worth
These combined effects make it challenging for the victim to break free from the abusive relationship, as they become increasingly reliant on the abuser's approval and validation, while simultaneously losing trust in their own perceptions and judgment.
Concluding Reflections at NITE TANZARN IntellectNest
As we conclude our discussion on emotional manipulation in IPV, it is crucial to recognise the subtle yet profound impact this form of abuse has on victims. Emotional manipulation often begins with verbal abuse—disparaging comments, guilt-tripping, or insidious flattery—that gradually erodes the victim's self-esteem and sense of reality. Over time, this manipulation progresses to more severe forms of abuse, such as gaslighting, playing the victim, and the silent treatment. These tactics work together to control the victim, making them increasingly dependent on the abuser while simultaneously stripping away their autonomy and confidence.
At NITE TANZARN IntellectNest, we believe it is vital to raise awareness about these harmful behaviours and their consequences. Our call to action is clear: If you or someone you know is experiencing any form of emotional manipulation or abuse, do not hesitate to reach out for support. Whether it is through friends, family, or professional services, seeking help is the first step towards breaking the cycle of abuse.
In our next post, we will explore psychological abuse, focusing on how it manifests and the lasting effects it can have on victims. We encourage you to stay engaged with us as we continue to address these critical issues, aiming to empower those affected and foster a greater understanding of the complexities of IPV.
My boyfriend frequently makes comments that are not only hurtful, but also misinformed. He says things like, 'No wonder rich kids don't get married' and 'You think you have it all because your dad bought you a car and rents an apartment for you.' He also labels me as a 'second-generation rich kid' and claims that I need to start valuing my own worth.
What's even more frustrating is that he often generalizes that men always complain about not having money, and implies that I'm somehow spoiled or entitled because of my family's financial situation. He even goes so far as to say that he wouldn't want to be with a wife for long, presumably because he thinks I'm too…
My partner is definitely a narcissist. Many times, they make me doubt my sanity and manipulate me by portraying themselves as the victim.
I dated a young man for six months who carried a lot of emotional baggage. Whenever something upset him, he would become very emotional and either switch off his phone for a week or simply not answer calls. Once, we had an appointment on a Friday, and he didn't show up. Concerned, I called him repeatedly—Friday night, all of Saturday, and Sunday—until I finally gave up. He only got in touch on Tuesday. At that point, I told him I couldn't continue the relationship anymore; it was too toxic and draining.
Who Suffers the Most Abuse?
At #HAZEYouth, we believe that young people are often the most affected by abuse. They are frequently ignored because older individuals tend to dismiss their opinions as unimportant. This constant disregard can wreak havoc on their emotional well-being.
My partner responds to most, if not all, of my questions with another question. For example, if I ask, 'Did they deliver the groceries?' they reply, 'Haven't you seen them?' If I inquire, 'Has the babysitter left?' they respond, 'Why are you asking me?' And when I ask, 'Do we still have milk?' they say, 'Why don't you check yourself?' It is emotionally draining.