A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege of engaging in an online discussion with young women and men about their start-ups. Noticing that I was significantly older than them, many sought me out individually for advice regarding their relationships. One recurring theme in these conversations was intimate partner violence. This blog post is the introduction to a 12-part series that will use real-life experiences to identify various forms of intimate partner violence. Subsequent posts will explore these various aspects of intimate partner violence and provide insights on how to address them.
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POST 1: Economic violence - Stella's story
Stella recounted how her live-in boyfriend refused to work and was entirely dependent on her for financial support. This situation is a classic example of economic abuse, where one partner exerts control over the other by making them financially dependent. Stella's boyfriend's refusal to contribute financially placed an undue burden on her, leading to stress and resentment. Economic abuse can manifest in various ways, including controlling access to financial resources, restricting the victim's ability to work, and exploiting their financial assets.
POST 2: Financial exploitation - Flora's situation
Flora, an international consultant, shared how she tried to assuage her guilt of being away from her family by giving her bank cards to her husband. Unfortunately, her husband ended up spending the money on other women. This situation exemplifies financial exploitation, where one partner takes advantage of the other's financial resources for personal gain. Flora's husband exploited her trust and financial generosity, leading to emotional and financial distress.
POST 3: Verbal abuse - Emmanuela’s storyÂ
Verbal abuse involves the use of words to demean, belittle, and control the victim. This can manifest through insults, threats, and constant criticism, each contributing to a toxic environment that erodes the victim's self-esteem and mental health over time. Emmanuela's story sheds light on the pervasive nature of verbal abuse and underscores the critical importance of recognizing and addressing this often-overlooked form of intimate partner violence.
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POST 4: Emotional manipulation - Nancy's experience
Nancy described how her boyfriend, Thomas, frequently brought up her family issues during disagreements. Nancy had previously confided in Thomas about her family's problems, both good and bad. Whenever they argued, Thomas would say things like, "No wonder this trait runs in your family," or "It is no surprise you are behaving like your niece." This form of emotional manipulation involves using information shared in confidence to ridicule and cause emotional distress. It is a subtle yet damaging form of violence that undermines the victim's self-esteem and trust.
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POST 5: Â Psychological abuse - Edna's story
Edna's husband, John, is highly manipulative and frequently accuses her of actions she has not committed. This behaviour is so persistent and convincing that Edna often begins to doubt her own sanity and perception of reality. This type of abuse is known as gaslighting, a form of psychological abuse where the abuser seeks to make the victim question their own memory, perception, and sanity.
POST 6: Deceptive relationships - Margarita's account
Margarita narrated how she ended up marrying her best friend, unaware that he was attracted to men rather than women. This revelation came as a shock and significantly impacted their relationship. This case can be classified as deceptive abuse, where one partner conceals a crucial aspect of their identity, leading to emotional and psychological harm to the other partner. Margarita's experience highlights the importance of honesty and transparency in relationships.
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POST 7: Dependency and manipulation - Pretty's case
Pretty's husband was unsuccessful in his business ventures and relied entirely on her to fulfil all financial obligations related to his contracts. Despite being awarded contracts, he was never able to fulfil them, leading to cancellations and financial losses. This pattern of behaviour can be classified as dependency and manipulation, where one partner uses the relationship to lower the other's self-esteem and exploit their resources. Pretty's husband manipulated her into supporting his failed ventures, causing significant financial and emotional strain.
POST 8: Sabotage and isolation - Tabitha's storyÂ
Tabitha, once a high school sweetheart, found herself in a difficult marriage. Her husband continuously dismissed their house help, forcing Tabitha to frequently request leave from work. This situation affected her job performance and chances of promotion. This form of abuse can be classified as sabotage and isolation, where one partner deliberately undermines the other's professional and personal life. Tabitha's husband's actions isolated her from support systems and hindered her career growth.
POST 9: Coercive control - Helena's experience
Helena's parents continuously pressured her to get married. At a cocktail party, she met Ronald, a foreigner who seemed interested in pursuing her. A month into their relationship, Helena became pregnant. Due to her religious beliefs, she decided against an abortion and started living with Ronald. However, Ronald was engaged in multiple relationships, and Helena eventually contracted HIV. This case illustrates coercive control, where one partner exerts power and control over the other, leading to harmful consequences. Ronald's behaviour endangered Helena's health and well-being, highlighting the dangers of coercive control in relationships.
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POST 10: Physical violence - Fan's story
Physical violence is one of the most visible and devastating forms of intimate partner violence. It involves the use of physical force with the intent to harm, injure, or control the partner. Fan's husband, Robert, beats her at every turn. The physical assaults are frequent and severe, leaving Fan with visible injuries. When she reports to the office, she always claims that she fell in the bathroom to explain her bruises and injuries.
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POST 11: Marital rape - Imelda's accountÂ
Imelda recounted how she often wakes up to find her husband raping her. This harrowing experience is a clear case of marital rape, where one partner forces the other into non-consensual sexual acts. Marital rape is a severe form of violence that violates the victim's autonomy and bodily integrity. Imelda's experience underscores the importance of recognising and addressing marital rape as a serious issue.
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POST 12: Sexual violence - Ingrid's experienceÂ
Ingrid described how her husband sodomises her while she is sleeping, leading to a combination of anal and vaginal infections. This form of sexual violence involves non-consensual sexual acts that cause physical and emotional harm. Ingrid's experience highlights the devastating impact of sexual violence within a marriage and the need for support and intervention.
Concluding reflections at NITE TANZARN IntellectNest
Intimate partner violence takes many forms, each with its own unique impact on the victim. By sharing these real-life experiences, we hope to shed light on the various aspects of intimate partner violence and encourage open discussions about this critical issue. In the subsequent posts, we will explore each type of violence in greater depth, examining its causes, effects, and potential solutions. It is essential to recognise the signs of intimate partner violence and seek help and support to break the cycle of abuse.
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This is a well thought article that mentions the various areas in regard to this topic. A lot is indeed happening to all genders and majority lack platforms to express themselves. This is good, please continue identifying and addressing the missing piece (s) in our community. Solutions will flow in hence changing the world in all aspects free from violence among others .
Thank you Nite for your relentless effort to improve the well-being of this generation.
Thank you. We hear and witness things. A lot of times we don't know how to address them ...people bottle up. This helps start the conversations and hopefully helps people to lookout for others.
Thanks Nite. Had a quick read through. I think it is important that people have " safe and secure" platforms where they can share the intimate partner abuse they face. It may be the only way that people can express and share what they go through. In African culture, particularly people are wary of disclosing these experiences under the belief in Buganda for example where it is said "ebyomunju tebitottolwa".
I can't wait to hear about suggestions of solutions that have worked for others.
WOW!!! Thank you Nite. My cousin in earky 50s is going through most of the above. Morever in Europe. Have forwarded to her. She will not discuss her situation with any of us.
This promises to be interesting.
I pray I am able to stay tuned.